Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
