Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
