I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
