this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I pour the whiskey from now on
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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