I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
