I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
