you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
