I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
