The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
