It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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