Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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