Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
