You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize