were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
