I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
