Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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