My friends, they love my intelligence
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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