Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
found the other keg... it's in the tree
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
