Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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