Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you had me at cake vodka
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
