I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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