i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize