saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
