she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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