I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry