No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
