I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm bleeding and have questions
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
