Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
