I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
