1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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