she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
