i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You brought string cheese to the strip club
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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