I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
