Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
