The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Drunk is a universal language darling
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