just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
