i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
