Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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