; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
