you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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