He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
