Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
