Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
