he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
