i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
