i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
