If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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