I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
