a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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