i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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