Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
