Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
