So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You need a sexual gate keeper
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
