So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
