That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i think i have two assholes
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
