the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
