Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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