At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
