I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
