How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
