ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
