I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
