a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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