I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
