And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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