I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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