just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
