I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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