I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
